Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang by Chelsea Handler

Author:Chelsea Handler
Format: mobi, epub, azw3
Tags: Relationships, Humour collections & anthologies, Man-woman relationships, Humor, Form, Form - Essays, General, Topic, American Satire And Humor, Essays, Comedy (Performing Arts), Humour: Collections & General, American wit and humor, Women
ISBN: 9780446552448
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
Published: 2010-03-09T06:00:00+00:00

My brother Greg

Chapter Seven

Black-on-Black Crime

When I travel to New York, I hire a big, black, British driver named Sylvan. I call him Chocolate Chunk. At the end of my trip, he always buys me a little gift and gives it to me when he drops me off at the airport. Last time I left New York, he handed me a small brown paper bag, and once I boarded the plane and was comfortably seated, I opened the paper bag to find a note that read, This is so that you’ll have me with you wherever you’re driving. XO, Sylvan. Attached to it was a key chain that held a minature hairy black gorilla.

Sylvan is a single father who worked his whole life to raise two children in the Bronx and then send them off to college. He is close to three hundred pounds, with a belly that looks like he’s in his twelfth month of pregnancy and an ass the size of a Smart Car. After much evaluation I had concluded it was time to get Sylvan some penetration. Since I was not willing to volunteer my own coslopus, I decided to bring him on vacation to Turks and Caicos.

Ted was thrown for a little loop-de-loop when I listed the people who would be accompanying us on our journey to the Caribbean: our gay friend Brian, Paul, Steph, my brother Ray, and Sylvan.

“Sylvan isn’t coming.”

“Yes, Sylvan is coming.”

“Are you being serious?”

“That’s correct, and if you bring forth any more questions regarding the matter, I’ll also bring Chuy.”

“But why?”

“Because Sylvan is one big chocolate chunk nugget, and he needs a vacation.”

“If Sylvan were a hundred pounds thinner, you wouldn’t ever even have given him the time of day.”

“What’s your point, Ted? Am I only supposed to give the time of day to people who have their weight under control? If someone asks me what time it is, I’m going to give it to them. Are you asking if I’d be more likely to give it to a fat person? The answer is yes.”

He shoved a Ruffles Light potato chip into his mouth. “So let me get this straight. Because of his unregulated diet of Cheetos, apple fritters, and Hawaiian Punch, Sylvan is going to be rewarded with a trip to Turks and Caicos?”

“Now you’re catching on. Good work, Detective.”

“Well, why don’t you charter him a private plane while you’re at it?”

“Because that would be ridiculous.”

“Chelsea, why do you always have to bring random people on vacation with us? This is my vacation, too, remember?”

“Oh, please!” I wailed. I had hit a wall and was weary of being persecuted for trying to do something nice for a fat friend. “You are living the high life! You whole life is a vacation. I toil my blood, sweat, and tears every day on this silly TV show for your silly network, and then I get on a plane every weekend to fly to some godforsaken city to perform stand-up, and on top of that

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